I was thinking today about what it will be like to grow old with my husband. Picturing us in forty years I thought, "How strange it will be to be in love with an old man! And I will be older too ..." (This, of course, had me humming the Beatles.) I have no doubt, however, that, if God wills us that much time, I will still love my husband "when I'm 64" and 74 and 104. If we are blessed enough to hold wrinkled hands and lean our grey heads together, I know that nothing between us will truly have changed.
One reason I know this, is because I believe that love is not a feeling. Love does not actually depend on a handsome face to make your heart beat faster or a rush of passion to drive you wild. That is romance, which is wonderful and good, but not what holds a marriage together. Love is not even the companionship, the laughter, and the shared experiences; that is friendship, which is crucial and closer, but still not the heart. An act of will, rather than an emotion, love chooses the good of the beloved first. Marital love seeks the happiness of the spouse, ( and of the family), over the happiness of the self. I know I can promise to love my husband forever, because I am not guaranting a state of emotion, I am vowing, with God's grace, to choose him first every time.
I also believe that, just like I can foster an attitude of gratefulness in parenting by loving my children they way they are now and not longing for some time past or future, it is imperative to a happy marriage that I love my spouse right now. This means neither wistfully pining for the younger person I married or daydreaming about how he could change. It's foolish to think we will stay exactly the same as they were when we first met or when we said "I do" or when our first child was born. People are meant to grow, to adapt, to deepen, and to develop their character even as adults. Maturing, in taste, in attitude, and in spirituality, is a good thing. We will have different concerns, responsibilities, preferences, and priorities as our situation changes, but hopefully those will change together. It can be easy to wish for a "simpler time" or "the way we were," but instead we ought to see how the "way we are" is beautiful, even if it is more complicated or less easy on the eyes.
Getting old is part of life, and if it comes with physical change, we have to remember that each one is a beautiful testimony to shared experiences. Together we experience the joy and sorrow that trace new lines on our faces. The same worries will grey our hair. If our bodies weather the same storms and bear similar marks, it should only bring us closer. Living life together means facing changes together, whether inward or outward. Knowing who we are together at each moment, and embracing that knowledge, can ease us through those changes.
Although life will undoubtedly change us, expecting a particular "future spouse" can be dangerous. If I wait around for my husband to change when and how I want him to, I will find myself constantly unhappy with his progress. I understood when we married that, in essentials, people rarely do change. Now he might develop a taste for mushrooms and the Decemberists and I might find myself taking up Stargate Atlantis and classical radio, but an introvert will not magically become extroverted. I may learn to appreciate his perspective and he mine, but I doubt we will reach a point where we agree on everything, every time, right away. Not just as men and women, but also as individual people, we will always have to overcome differences, I don't want to sabotauge my marriage thinking someone else would understand me perfectly. I want to love him with all his faults, through all our clashes, as we learn together.
If I accept my spouse no matter what and have patience with his flaws and differences, my love will be a safety net that encourages him to grow. Rather than allowing him to stagnate, knowing I love him just as he is can give him the courage to try to become a better person. If he sees me there for him at his worst, I can inspire him to be his best. There is enough pressure to succeed everywhere else in this world; marriage should be the place for walking together toward growth, not for pushing or dragging each other into one person's vision of the future.
I know I only have a small experience of married life. I'm often afraid even to comment on marriage because I am so young, have been married for such a short time, and have so much more to experience. I know that many things to come will challenge our marriage and that we both have so much to learn. Yet, I am confident that we will only get through what is to come by trusting in God and loving each other as we are, each step of the way. I know because my own parents, who have celebrated their silver anniversary, have demonstrated the power of these two principles. When I look at them, I know that it is possible, with the help of selfless love and the God of love, that a marriage can endure through the storms of this life and beyond.
Today is: Wednesday in Passiontide
Finn is: enjoying the sunshine with his big cousin, Vince
Gigi is: insistibg that she sleep on me while I wrote this post
Mama is reading: A Good Hard Look by Ann Napolitano
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