On Feeling Trapped

Just one of those days

Sometimes in the middle of doing some mundane task for what seems like the millionth time, I think to myself, 'I'm trapped.  Trapped in a never-ending cycle of laundry, dishes, diapers, and dusting.  No matter how many times I do any of these things, I will never have accomplished anything, because they will always need doing again."  I want to say, as every child does at some point or another, "Why do I have to clean my room? It will just get messy again." It can feel like I'm caught in the routines that make up my day, losing myself in the repetition of actions which seem to have no material consequence. 

I'm not trying to scare potential stay-at-home moms or claim some special trial as a housewife. From personal experience, I can say that this is not something particular to mamahood.  I've felt this way at other times in my life before: trapped as a student writing endless papers it seemed no one would read,  in a retail job cleaning and re-arranging the same store ad nauseum, or by an eternal supply of office calls and emails.  I think it's in human nature to buck a bit when we feel that the things we have to do, especially when they aren't particularly glamorous, get in the way of our freedom, aka what we want to do.  Part of growing up, though, is learning how to deal with this feeling.

"What could be better than eating candy with me?"

I've talked before about letting go of the dream of greatness and settling down to live an everyday life with meaning.  Dealing with occasional ennui is not something to feel guilty about, but it is something of which I need to be aware.  The ultimate problem is one of attitude, the attitude that says "I deserve to be doing something better with my time: something that means something, that makes something, that changes something."  But what if this life, one that includes a multitude of everyday shores and mundane routines, is the life that God has planned for my ultimate happiness and salvation?  If I believed that, wouldn't I have a different attitude toward my life, even the humdrum aspects?

Every day we are each given an opportunity to say "yes" to God's will, even if that will is to do some things which seems repetitive or boring.  We can participate in God's plan for our lives, or we can complain that the plan is not what we had in mind.  Often it is harder to accept small inglorious sacrifices, than those which others can see and appreciate.  We are called to take up our cross, but sometimes we can't possibly believe it could be a cross made of housework and headaches.  Yet it is in our willingness to follow His will, our submission to even unnoticed sacrifices, and our daily death to self that God shows us the way to Heaven.

Whether someone's life is considered a success or failure depends greatly on what standards you use to measure.  When we look through the eyes of the world, a life of everyday service seems to have little material value.  A mother, whether she is working a grueling day job to help take care of her family or spending every waking hour wiping noses and washing clothes, is hardly a picture of "greatness."  And yet, when we see that same mother through eternal eyes, she appears different. She has the opportunity every day to infuse her commonplace actions with love for her family and her God.  An attitude of service with love gives her a great capacity to transform a life of earthly insignificance to one of eternal worth.

I hope that next time any of us feels like we are trapped, whether its by a desk or a diaper change, we will remember that with a simple prayer we transform an act of seeming inconsequence to an offering of sacrificial love.  I know it's not as easy as it sounds to give up our own desires and submit to these little trials.  I struggle with it every day. Christ does not promise that following Him will be without burden.  He does say, however, "My burden is easy and my yoke is light."  And how could it not be, when He lends us His own strength to carry it?

Best Buds

Today is: The Feast of St. Elizabeth
Finn is: getting close to 16 months old!
Mama is: trying desperately to cure her obsession with reading baby name boards
Littlest One is: DUE IN 100 DAYS!