A 4 Step Guide to Dealing with Mama Failure [for Myself]

(written last Friday)

Last night, our whole family didn't get to bed until after eleven.  After which, my toddler proceeded to wake up four times, ultimately landing in our bed (apparently because of a bad dream about alligators: "Ally-gators in the bathroom, Allygators in my crib, Allygators in a hole. Daddy push em?")  This was followed by my teething three month old (Teeth already? You've got to be kiddding me) waking up and no one getting much sleep the rest of the night. I then woke up to lots of dirty diapers needing laundering and a to do list I didn't even feel like writing, yet alone doing.

Now that it's four and my very dirty and sweaty toddler is finally done boycotting naptime, I feel like I need a reminder that I haven't completely failed (as my husband has helpfully pointed out after a bad day, "You didn't fail, your children are still alive!") and that I can recover.

1) Not Meeting Some Imaginary Standard Does Not Mean You Have Failed.
We all have our secret image of the mama we would like to be:  whether it's SuccessMama, EcoMama,  FashionMama, HomeschoolMama, LaLeche Mama of the Year, GourmetMama, VeganMama, Hipster Mama, or HippieMama.  But these ideals don't exist in real life, no matter what any blog, magazine, or book tells us.

  I've read several excellent posts lately about other mamas, like me, who have felt guilty for not being the perfect mama they wanted to be.  We see others out there and say, "Why can't I be like that?"  "Why can't I raise chickens and grow kale?"  "Why aren't my children so well behaved and well dressed?"  "I can't believe all I do is stay home!" Maybe you don't hold your baby every second, or maybe your toddler doesn't have a wardrobe from MiniBoden.  Maybe you let your child eat sugar or meat or genetically modified foods or, gasp, french fries.

It's alright.  These are not moral issues.  You do not fail every time your child sees a television or has undiluted fruit juice.  Your mamahood is not less valid because you work, exercise, enjoy junkfood, or don't do these things.  If your infant doesn't have a sleep schedule and your preschooler doesn't do pinterest-worthy crafts, these are not failures.  Please don't sell yourself short because you do not parent the same way as someone else.  Just as every baby's personality and situation are different, so are every parent's.  There is no cookie cutter mold for perfect parenting, so don't try to force yourself to conform to an image that has no basis in reality.  You will feel like a failure, and that will not make you a better parent.

2)When You Do Mess Up, Confess It.
I don't have time now to go into all the reasons I think sacramental confession is mind-blowingly awesome, but I will urge you to take advantage of it if you are Catholic.Confession doesn't just help make us better Christians in a vague sense.  It is specifically designed to help us with our whole life in Christ, including our vocations as wife and mother.  There is no sin too small to confess to God, and the act of confessing out loud helps us realize our consistent trouble areas of sin.  Is this the fourth week in a row you've had to confess losing your temper or being short with your husband?  Maybe it's time to really focus on patience or search out new ways to practice self-control.  Besides, sacramental confession comes with the promise of grace to help you do better.

If you aren't Catholic, there's still opportunities for confession in your life(besides convert, though I wouldn't be averse to you trying that either). Confessing in private prayer is always worthwhile. A nightly examination of conscience is a great tool that I, to my shame, often forget.  Ask your Heavenly Father for forgiveness and the strength to do better next time.  [Catholics don't forget the prayers of the Blessed Mother, St. Anne, and, for really bad days, the patron saints of lost causes, Sts. Jude and Rita]

Also, no matter your denomination or religion, I guarantee you will feel better just admitting your problem to a friend, a spouse, or a family member.  Being honest with your spouse about your difficulties dealing with your children can really bring you closer together, and, as the person who knows the challenges of your particular children the best, they can offer unique support.  Good mama friends are invaluable as well, even though they might be the hardest ones to face Don't let your fear of judgement or your desire, competitve or not, to be the best mama, get in the way of finding a mama friend who you can talk to.  They have probably made the same or similar mistakes.  You can help each other cope, even if it's only with an "I totally understand."

3) There's No Giving Up, So Buck Up, and Try Again.
 I've never been very good at dealing with failure, my usual response is tears followed by an intense desire to quit. But there's no quitting mamahood. So after a few tears, I have to give myself this little pep talk:

 No one can be a better mama for your children than you. You are the one who loves them and knows them. They wouldn't want anybody else.  You've made mistakes and you aren't perfect by any means, but this is the most important job you will ever do and you are the one to do it.

4)Eat Chocolate and Pray.  
That is all.

Today is: The Feast of The Queenship of the Blessed Mother

Mama is: looking for books to read, any suggestions?

Finn is: 22 1/2 months

Gigi is: 3 and 1/2 months